I’ve been feeling like I lost myself – again. A constant anxiety in my stomach and chest. An overwhelming need to cry all the time. Or block myself out with mind numbing distractions like scrolling social media, just to make the hours go by.
I hear the deep bellowing of his voice – all the time. I can’t breathe properly. Every time I hear it, another electric spark of anxiety shudders straight through me. It sits there. It doesn’t leave. I keep my earphones in 99% of my life to block out the noise. I can’t bare the arguing. I can’t listen to the insults anymore. They tear me down. They demolish me. The rude remarks. The unkind words. The brainwashing, the blaming, the shaming, the mean glares, the whispers, the rumours, the constant back and forth non stop terror. The intimidation. The Control!
I stay away in my room. But I feel like I’m rotting away in here. I feel like a prisoner for nothing. For nothing at all. For being alive. For barely breathing.
I can’t think straight. A part of me is always on the look out. Always aware and conscious of my surroundings, ready for an attack. I try to focus but I can’t, not for long.
The door slams. My heart drops for the 40th time that day. My skin crawls. My hair sheds. I am awake all night long, and finally sleep at sunrise, only to awaken to more of the same darkness… that I can’t leave, I can’t get out of. I can’t stop living. Am I better of dead? I question.
I know I’m wasting away my precious life, but what do I do? Where do I go? The pain is agonising. I’m in deep despair. Apathy, fear. Depression feels like a curse that won’t lift. I feel so angry with nowhere to put it. I’m so stuck but I am to blame. I lose myself again and again.
I can’t remember I can’t think. I can’t eat or sleep or breathe. And it happens again. And again. And again. It is so repetitive it is so painful. Why am I trapped here? Why can’t I get out? I feel bad, and am made to feel bad because I don’t work, but what nobody understands, is that being here is like a full time job. One that I can’t quit. How do I quit? I want to quit!! Why am I so stagnant? My heart is bursting through the seams. My thoughts they whirl around and around in my head. I contemplate, I think, I try to do things but I CANT DECIDE EVER I AM STUCK IN CONSTANT LIMBO. I’m Imprisoned by these four walls, by the voices all around me that won’t stop bellowing. I stay up all night because it’s the only time he’s asleep… the only time there aren’t species trying to eat at my soul… as it fades and it crumbles, day by day, piece by piece.
And I wonder, how much is there going to be left of me when I am finally free? And when will that day ever come?
*a documentation of ongoing domestic abuse*
#domesticabuse
The Journey 