It’s a new chapter ( I think )
I did the scariest thing and I escaped. I escaped! I finally, escaped. I literally ran away from home like a lil girl in a film and no one knows where she is (tehehe)
All those days years months and hours. The endless nights of crying on the floor in despair, waiting, hoping, for something, somebody to free me. The tiresome nights trying and trying, crying and crying, praying and praying… hoping and wishing and praying and doing everything I could just to breathe….
They ended. They actually ended.
But did they?
I don’t know who I can lean on.
I try to be strong but I fall weak all the time. Too often than not, I feel weak.
Weak
Pure weakness
Weak to the bone
It feels like I don’t have any strength left inside of me
Like a leaf in the wind, I’m blown about by the softest of storms.
I sit and I cradle myself to sleep.
I try to forget but I’m stuck on repeat.
It hurts so much, the pain that I feel. I try to numb it out almost uncontrollably. I see that when I speak about others blocking themselves out I’m the biggest culprit of all.
How can I just sit with it all day long?
I long for some company. Some real company. A true best friend. Someone I can rely on
I tell myself I’m fine alone. I’m strong. I’m independent and courageous.
But then when I take a step back I wonder what the point is in anything. What’s the point in being strong?
I don’t want to be alone forever
I’d rather die
I don’t wanna speak or talk I want to fly away
Why is the pain so deep though so consistent?
I can’t actually Numb it out I just feel bad for doing so
So it’s like pain or numbness
Both are excruciating
The thought that seems to cross my mind most often is I ‘don’t want to be alive’.
Why is that?
I want it to stop but it doesn’t.
The days go by and im frozen.
But why? I don’t feel like I’m able to deal with life as a human for some reason. It feels like everyone just deals with it so easily. they get on with their lives. I feel stuck in between. Inbetween a world of my own and the world I’m supposed to fit in to. The one I can’t fit in to. I don’t fit in to. I try to escape from. Yet pursue it endlessly. Trying to find a door inside. Trying to feel the warmth of a sunny day. Or a warm embrace. I find Warmth only when I run. But it’s fleeting. It goes away and I’m cold again.
Why can’t I sit still? Why am I so still?
Why can’t I deal with pain?
Why does it hurt so much?
Why aren’t I stronger? Why can’t I deal with it?
When will it end? It will end when I die but I don’t want to. I feel I have to keep going. I want to. I love life. I cry for the cities and the buildings and the roads and the towns and the grass and the greenery. The trees. I love you and I miss you. What am I doing?
I’m so thankful that I escaped. I overcame an obstacle that at the time, seemed absolutely impossible, like I was destined to stay in a situation that was killing me, only to find that I did in fact die there, to then remember my life as nothing but a bleak moment, one day lived over and over, a dream that never happened. A mistake
I also realise that this is the most depressing blog situation anyone has probably ever come across, and I only write here cos I assume no one will read it (lol). I’m not trying to do anything other than express myself really . I think that when you are in such a lot of pain, expressing it is often a very helpful way to articulate and try and grasp your own thoughts and emotions. Sometimes just trying to sit with those feelings alone is too much to handle, for anyone.
I often look back on the biggest mistake I made in my life. How differently my life might look if I had taken a different route. If I hadn’t been led astray. Misled by naivety. Focusing on other people, other outcomes, other dreams than the ones I already had inside of me. I wonder how my life would look. How much has changed as a result of one decision. I try not to dwell anymore as it’s unproductive. But much healing has come from the dwelling. And of course from the “wrong” decisions themselves. Which makes me realise that really, they weren’t ‘wrong’. They were simply the least desired path. The wrong route to the same destination. I essentially went the wrong way, but learnt SO much through going that way, which makes me question, was it a bad decision after all? I still think it was, but at the same time I guarantee I would not be the person I am now. I believe I was led this way I guess for the sole purpose of expansion. To learn who I am. To experience a total awakening through the darkest of despair. And now I know for sure where my heart truly lies. And I guess that’s both a blessing and a curse.
I hope that someday I will look back on these times and thank myself that I did keep going. That I forgave myself enough to carry on. To see the silver lining in continuously picking myself up and choosing to believe in my heart, even when I kept falling down. To see and feel a brighter future. One where I’m stable and able to live how I want to. No expectations from anyone but myself. To live a life of freedom. Blissfulness and peace. I guess that’s my goal. yet at times it feels as though I already have this to a slight extent… but then at the same time I 100% do not.
Other times, it’s a complete matter of perspective.
The reason I question if I’m really free, despite my “escape”, is because it feels that wherever I turn, there I am. No matter how much healing work I embark on, I’m still that quiet innocent child. The fears are perpetual. They follow me everywhere. I am attacked with anxiety on the daily. A surge of stress within my body and mind. A depression that looms above me, takes me out for days at a time, every single week. The people around me reflect my biggest insecuries. It feels like some people totally lack compassion and understanding, and even just love in their hearts… those are the types of people I fear most. The narcissists of our worlds. The ones that seem to be walking time bombs. Robotic in nature. Heartless. Cold. Dying. Destructive.
But let’s not focus on those people so much anymore Louise mate. They sure bring me lessons but those lessons have been learnt. There’s only so much life that can be spent on people with no heart. The only lesson left is to trust in my ability to decipher who is right for me and who is not. And I think usually, that’s pretty clear nowadays. #takenobullshit
But the truth is, I’m still scared. A lot. I’m scared of people, yet crave them instinctively. Because you see, humans are genetically wired to ‘need’ touch, and human contact. Human connection. Support. We are tribal in nature. And so when you are isolated, it can and does bring about a sense of literally “going crazy”.
But to me a warm body doesn’t cut it. Although I fear the inevitable pain that comes with people turning their backs on me, I long for kind hearted and trustworthy souls. The types of people who look in to my eyes and see who I am, yet don’t manipulate me. Who are honest. Loyal. loving and kind. They want to help. They don’t see my weakness as something to capitalise on. They don’t see my mistakes as a detriment to my personality. But rather understand how easy it is to lose focus of your path. To see that regardless, we find our way back to our path because that’s how it’s supposed to be. Knowing that we are all loving in nature. And no one truly wants to hurt themselves or others, but in fact just want to feel safe. And I want to feel that way for another, too.
Because from the toughest battle I found within me a value I hold closest, which is loyalty.
Our feelings are our compasses. But they can also trick us in to staying stagnant and safe. Fear is a natural response to uncertainty and being outside of your comfort zone. But at the same time fear and negative emotions are an indication that you NEED to get out of your comfort zone. You need to take action with something. You need to let yourself go, and flow. Staying stuck in the same place for too long where you’re unhappy is a disaster. And I guess that’s what I’ve been trying to decipher for a while – what is my intuition telling me, and what is my fears clouding my vision with? Which is true? How do I make decisions? I’ve always had a difficult time making decisions. And after the “biggest mistake of my life”, really getting to know myself and why I make decisions has been and continues to be a journey in itself. I now have many tools to help me with this lol. Things like connecting to my heart. Asking myself certain questions. Asking myself what truly brings me joy… recognising what I value most. Etc.
I think to conclude and end this rather long ramble of a post, is to hold those moments, those people, closest to your heart. The true ones. The real ones. Squeeeze them hard to your chest. Don’t you ever let them go (which of course is contradictory to the typical saying “if you love something, let it go”). Sure, let it go if it wants to leave, but you’ll see that truly, it something is yours it will not go anywhere. You will not have to fight it to stay. You will not have to convince it to stay. You will feel safe in the knowing that despite having no control whatsoever of that thing or that person, with the uncertainty that any minute it could turn away, you have a deep rooted inner sense of trust and calm and peace simply BECAUSE you have no control – they are for you regardless. They will reside forever in your heart . Even if they are not there physically. And there’s not a thing you can do about that.
I think that is the most beautiful thing in life of all.
A love like that could never die. And that’s the one reason why I choose to live ❤️
The Journey 